I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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