I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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