i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
