I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
