My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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