she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
