Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
