I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
