Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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