there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
