He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
