That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
