My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
