Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
