I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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