I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
