Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
