Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
