i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
