I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
