People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
