I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
