Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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