Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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