Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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