we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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