i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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