Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
