dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
