Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
