His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
