I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
