I want to make a zoo with you.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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