So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
