Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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