Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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