I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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