she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
