Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
