So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
