quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
