Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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