She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
