My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
