in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
