I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
