Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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