PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
