I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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