He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
