I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
