If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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