Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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