don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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