dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
