i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Im part way to drunk.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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