i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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