Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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