meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
