I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
